I didn’t think about what I was going to write here past that title. I mean, that kinda sums it up, doesn’t it? I guess I could pile on by insisting it’s not my fault. Or explaining how that’s true. Or complaining about the fact that just a few weeks ago I splurged what little money I’d saved up at my other job on the down payment for an apartment I can no longer afford in an extremely expensive area of the city that I no longer need to live in.
Did I mention this is my last week of classes? Ever.
For about a week I seemed to be in the most enviable position an aspiring writer about to graduate into This Economy could be in – I was gainfully employed at a job that (hell, let’s just lay all my cards out on the table) involved going to every single Phillies home game. And while there, be decked out in a fancy press pass that meant getting close enough to the players to have reasonable dreams of establishing inside jokes with the likes of Hunter Pence.
I’ve learned that I must be very spoiled or very stupid because right now, the worst part feels like the embarrassment. I mean, I know enough to know that the real worst part is the fear and having none of the money and apparently being the type of employee who gets fired before the first homestand is even up. But yeah, right now it just really sucks to slink back to down to the level where everyone doesn’t tell me ten times a day that what I have is a “dream job”. And having to correct those people who still mistakenly do.
That makes it sound like the validation was somehow more important than the job itself. And maybe you would be right to think that. Not just because I’m so riddled with insecurities and desperate for attention but because the thing is, this wasn’t my dream job. I was crying about this job before I even worried about it ending. And as quick as I am to remind myself of this when I feel like the sky might be falling it doesn’t actually reassure me all that much.
My future never sneaks up on me. I know exactly what day I want my wedding to be even I don’t have any idea what year. And I definitely know where I need to be at any given stage of career to be on track. But this not-so-dream job happened so quickly that now I’m realizing I don’t even know what I’m looking for when it comes to taking that first step.